I don’t even remember the last time I hugged niloudi. There are so many things I cudve done differently…hugged her before she went in n told her how brave she is. That she’s gonna make it. That Allah taala is gonna cure her illness. That inshaAllah thesr horrible hospital visits will end soon. That she’s gonna be fine inshaAllah. That I love you niloudi.
I should never have left your side. Should have held your hand irrespective of how angry it made you that I quarrelled with the crappy ppl. I shoulve held ur hand like u held mine when we were kids n I was scared.. I did nothing. I just stood outside the doors where u breathed ur last. I stoof. Outside. The. Doors. When the angels werebin ur room. I was outside. A door separated us. I shudve been there. Inside. U were on the ventilator. How wud u know? I’m sorry niloudodi.for how much u suffered. On that day. Before that day. All these years. Becuz of society. Bcuz of me. Bcuz of yhe illness. What else can I do but pray that ur beautiful soul lights up paradise inshaAllah. Because if I didn’t have that sliver of peace through islam, cuz if I didn’t ahavr islam, I’d have nothing. I’d be broken to the point of unfixable. M in control bcuz I know u r free of dunya n inshaAllahu taala u shall be rejoicing in jannah soon.
N we have to prepare ourselves to be able to join u there inshaAllah.