U said we wouldn’t be affected by your loss forever. That we’d move on with our lives ofcourse and hurt lesser and lesser with time, eventually forgetting you. That the only people truly affected would be mom and dad.

I’m afraid to let it be true. I’m afraid to let go and move on because it feels like a betrayal to the memory of you. I wish I’d tell you back then, the sorry and the thankyou that have been festering in my heart for months. I wish you’d know your importance in my life. 


You must have been so scared. Your tears, your pain, your thoughts..yours alone. No one knew…and we can only guess. 

I’m telling everyone things I shouldve told you. Singing your praises now does nothing except acts as my healing balm for the words I’ve never said to  you and for the words I’ve hurt you with. 

I miss your beautiful face niloudi. Your words. Even your smirks. Even your disbelieving looks lol. Even your sarcasm. Everything. You were my best friend and I never realised it until january. Until the thought of losing you entered my head. You were all that gave me courage to fight my own devils. N now you are gone and the future doesn’t seem as defined as it used to. The presenymt seems frozen thought apparently more than a month has passed since that fateful day. I can’t imagine how you did it. You were always so brave. ..and yet..

I know there’s no point to my blog. One day it’ll be a blog of a non existing person and noone will even know the password for sure. But these are things that are festering inside like fungi on a wet doormat. U were my best sister..older, more mature, and yet younger and ten timea more beautiful than I could ever be. You n I can never be called twins…I’m like the bad version.

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