do I really?

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Need therapy that is?

For one, I simply cannot bring myself to tell anyone what exactly I am feeling. I go over the list of possible people I can open up to, and even my best friends, my good girls who give good advice, I gt paranoid about. Then there is no one else and I just conclude this is something that has to be between Allah taala and me. 

Because I did tell mom, ofcourse, in simple words. I can’t express my disappointment before her as strongly as I’m feeling it in my chest, because then she’ll judge me and call me nisha and keep it in her memory and say hateful things like I didn’t know your thinking is so gandi and how did u become like this and don’t act oversmart.

And I can’t open up to my friends for fear that they’ll remember my disappointment over this and discuss it behind my back later on…and pity me for it.

So that leaves me with the first choice I had and I already chose that one and acted on it as well. Spoke to Allah taala. Now, I’m sure Allah taala knows what I’m saying and he’s heard me and my cry for help…but that’s the thing…I’m not worthy enough of being replied to by Him. And well u have to admit, He is the Lord of the world and all the dominions,the king of all kings and the creator of this world. And I am just me who sometimes sleeps thru fajr. So how it is I expect Him to reply right?

Well because He also is the most Merciful and Benevolent. 

Anyways.  That’s that. I’m worried for myself. Truly am.

Mom’s looking at other rishte and I feel petulant. Like she has taken my candy and hid it and isn’t giving it back.  But she has done neither. Its not in her hands either, is it. She’s just doing what a mother should do. Looking for rishte. Bcuz what if two months later they don’t come back? And then I’d be even more heartbroken. So she’s onto plan B.

I really didn’t expect this rishta to become soo perfect in my eyes. You shouldve totaly heard me before thy came. I was like, dude,its some random family’s family coming to see me and its not even a real thing. 

N now here. we. are. 

Speculating.

Waiting.

Hoping.

Feelibg dejected. Why can’t she come sooner? This lady? And finalise everything? A yes or a no, whichever it is.

That itself is reason enough to hate her.

And I have an exam next sunday. Muaahahaha. Cool.

 

I really do need therapy. And also chocolate. And some icecream. And some chips. And some of that Abc chicken. And some hawaiin salad. Also some chocolate. I really need those more than anything else. And maybe chicken too. I need that more. I actually need closure on that rishta. I need to work and get my mind to focus elsewhere. 

 

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