I had a dream

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It was painful. In my dream I saw that I hosted a dinner for mathilda ma’am. I dunno where she came from. It’s a huge hall n I think it’s in a place where I know people or people know me. Like perhaps an institute of sorts. I helped her all the way to the table, literally. Held her elbow and alot of her weight and guided her. And I have presented her a booklet, a sheath of papers I want her to read and I’m not really sure what’s in it. N then I left her at the table and I can see saadia at it and excused myself n left…n outside the room, peeking in through the door, I’m jubilant. Like yes!! I did it.

and then the party is over and I go inside and I see abdu is packingup, like locking the doors. And I said I just want to take the leftovers and there’s a huge tray of chocolate and putting it in cups and I dunno where the thought is or what I’m thinking but I even know I can get a sense of rania at this time I  the dream.

Abdu asked me why I didn’t stay andwas it because Ithought I was too good for it? N I said more like above it all.

We are leaving, when outside there is a commotion. And abdu asks me to go back to the doors and wait inside. When awoman starts to grab the door and come in. At this time abdu is here and she is trying to get to him. She has a normal dull face but a bad aura. I tried pushing him out of harms way and he is trying to save me and she gets him. She claws him. We lock the doors and get inside n go to the opp side doors and abdu tells me to wait there and he locks me in and leaves. It feels like a little cupboard I’m locked in and I want to get out and I start trying ways to get out of there…it takes a while but suddenly I’m free. And niloudi is there. And I asked her what happened and she said I was wi th her that day. But she moved on and I’m still struggling. I asked her what she means by that and we can hear phupouma exclaim on how I look in the other room…like my body is there. But not yet dead apparently.

And niloudi tells me the time in between feels like we are alive and we are living, but actually we just don’t know that we are at the brink. I realise in my dream that all my timetables have come to naught and there is nothing left to think about except for forgiveness. I hug her and ask her to forgive me.  I’m crying, but she’s so warm. And she doesn’t say anything. I 5hink she there, there’s me.

n I go to mamma n hug her and apparently we are all in the interim period. Everyone of us. And even in our interim when I meet saadia and nishadi, nishadi is cold war blocking me and yet offering her drink in silence. ..and I dunno whom I discussed it with but some where in the dream I said that I cannot believe how ppl can use their richness as arrohance and hurt others for nothing for how that weird woman hurt abdu.

After that in dream I realise that I can probably escape into reality by waking up..I’m thinking it’s okay. I’d rather pretend..and I push myself thru cuz I can feel that and I opened my eyes…and I was alive n in my bed. Just like I was alive in my dream. But now that feels like a dream whereas then, this felt like a dream. ..

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